Miss You Love
by LaceyKoi
Summary: it's R cuz it just is. really doesn't matter. songfic. 1x2 (gee...)


GW disclaimer in bio, but I don't own silverchair's "Miss You Love" either.  
  
  
  
(Duo POV)  
  
I've forgotten.  
  
I've forgotten myself. And they died.  
  
I've forgotten how long it's been. And he died.  
  
I've forgotten what it was like before. And they died.  
  
I've forgotten.  
  
I've forgotten how to love.  
  
~Millionaire say  
  
Got a big shot deal  
  
And thrown it all away but~  
  
Now I've got him. He can't put a name to it exactly, but he thinks he knows how. But I've forgotten.  
  
He told me that he knows what he feels, but he's not going to tell me yet. He's going to tell me soon.  
  
I think I know how he feel, but I don't know how _I_ feel.  
  
I think I know what he's going to say, but I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him.  
  
~But I'm not too sure  
  
How I'm supposed to feel  
  
Or what I'm supposed to say~  
  
I feel it all around me, I'm pretty sure he loves me. It's getting harder to be around him. He radiates a warmth around me that he never has around anyone else.  
  
He's getting too close to me. But it won't hurt him. I've finally forgotten the one thing that killed them all. I forgot everything else. Then I remembered it, but the one thing I never forgot the one thing that killed them all.  
  
Then it killed me inside. I'm just lucky enough to know it killed the one part that killed them.  
  
The part that allows me to love.  
  
It's going to be too hard to be around him. I know he's always there.  
  
He's everywhere all the time. But especially everywhere I am. I see him everyday of my life.  
  
~But I'm not, not sure  
  
Not too sure how it feels  
  
To handle everyday~  
  
If I could, I would reciprocate his feelings.  
  
But I've lost the knowledge of how.  
  
~And I miss you love~  
  
Heero's approaching. I pale, I know I do. My heart pounds. The blood is filling my body.  
  
"Hn." I _know_ it's what he always says, but it always gets my attention.  
  
"Hey Heero!" I chime with my unusual smile--unusual because it's real. Heero always seems to bring out real emotion in me, all of them but that one.  
  
"Duo. I need to say something."  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"Alone." He states with no emotion, but a meaningful glance behind me. I follow his gaze to a group of girls behind me. I wave and grab Heero's arm to drag him off. He follows me, remaining long enough to glare at them.  
  
As soon as we are alone, he turns to me.  
  
"Why were those girls there?" he demands. I watch his eyes, more expressive than his voice. I see a flicker of jealousy.  
  
"I 'unno. I didn't even know they were there!"  
  
"Do you love one of them?" Pain. He's worried about what I will say.  
  
"Would it affect what you were going to say?"  
  
"Yes." He's going to say it. He's going to say it. I consider panicking, but I decide to tell him the truth.  
  
"No. you know I'm only after _your_ heart." OMS. OMS. He almost smiled when I said that.  
  
He gestures at a chair to indicate he wants me to sit down. I do so, and he sits on my lap to keep me from leaving.  
  
~Make room for the prey  
  
'Cause I'm coming in  
  
With what I wanna say, but~  
  
"Duo." He gets a look that tells me this is important. "Duo." His voice cracks and I kiss him gently before he regains his voice. "Duo," he whispers. "I…I…I think…"  
  
"I know," I say. But my statement is misinterpreted.  
  
"I _know_...that I love you."  
  
What do I say? You normally say I love _you_, but…I don't love him.  
  
What do I do? You normally kiss them to show them you feel the same, but…I don't love him.  
  
What did he say? He said he loves me. But I don't love him.  
  
What did he do? He unknowingly showed me exactly how deep the depth of emotion he has for me is. But I don't love him.  
  
So…I don't tell him I love him.  
  
So…I don't kiss him.  
  
So…he said what he wanted to say.  
  
So…he showed me a bit more.  
  
So…I tell him the truth.  
  
~It's gonna hurt  
  
And I love the pain  
  
A breeding ground for hate, but~  
  
Heero panics when I don't answer and tries to stand.  
  
"I'm…sorry, Duo. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you. I didn't mean it…I didn't. It's just…I wanted you to know." He's fighting to get up, but I predicted he would do so, so I have my arms wrapped around his waist.  
  
I carefully turn him and part my legs, so that he's still sitting, but on the chair and between my legs. I pin his arms to his sides and rest my cheek against his back. He stops fighting.  
  
"Heero." The name is sweet on my tongue, but hard to get out and I choke on it. I try again. "Heero," I start, knowing this would hurt him and hugging him tighter for it. "I don't--can't--love you."  
  
I feel the pain throughout his frame, but before I can continue, he presses his feet to the ground, tipping the chair. He rolls backwards out of my arms to catch the chair before it hits the ground. He's not the only thing that rolled. I see a tear on his face above mine, but before I can prevent it, the tear falls. He shed a tear, because of…me?  
  
"Heero…" I raise my hand to trace the tears trail to wipe it away. He pulls away, dropping the chair.  
  
"Heero." I approach his back. "Let me explain." I wrap my arms around him, and though he tenses, he does not walk away.  
  
"You know of my past, Heero. Better than anyone. But I forgot things. I caused their deaths, but it was my love and my forgetfulness that killed them. I forgot…and they died."  
  
"So I stopped loving and stopped being able to love. And I've forgotten what it's like to love. And I've missed out on life for it. And I can't love you, not only because I've forgotten how, but because…I never want to see you die. Heero, promise me…that you'll never let me see you die."  
  
~I'm not, not sure  
  
Not too sure how it feels  
  
To handle everyday~  
  
Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. "Never…"  
  
Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. Let. "…let…"  
  
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. "…me…"  
  
See. See. See. See. See. See. "…see…"  
  
You. You. You. You. You. You. "…you…"  
  
Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. "…die. "  
  
I let go and look at him, my heart bleeding. I consider dropping to my knees before him and begging. Too much death…please. No more dying.  
  
"Please, Heero. Promise me. I will try with all my heart to learn how to love, but you have to promise me. Never let me see you die, because then learning to love would kill me completely."  
  
"…I promise." Heero's face in general belies his statement, but his eyes make it true.  
  
His promise puts my heart at rest and I grin.  
  
"Wanna go get something to eat?"  
  
Heero looks at me and assumes his normal demeanor. "Hn. Baka."  
  
I drag him, though he is not unwilling, to a food source.  
  
"Pizza?" Heero glares at the offending slice.  
  
"Why not? They ate it in Greece!"  
  
"Duo. I honestly doubt that it was this greasy in Greece."  
  
"C'mon!" I plead. "It's cheese pizza, with tomato sauce! Please?" Commence puppy-dog-eyes. It always works.  
  
~Like the one that just past  
  
in the crowd of all the people~  
  
I can't forget. It seems obvious now. You can't forget how to love. No matter how hard you try.  
  
An I got his promise. He's not going to let me see him die.  
  
I said I forgot how to love. That I now longer knew how to love.  
  
It's not true. You never forget. You just try.  
  
But he said it. He _said_ it.  
  
I'm beginning to remember.  
  
I hate him for this.  
  
~Remember today  
  
I've no respect for you~  
  
I remember…but it brings back to pain.  
  
My unknown parents…  
  
Solo…  
  
Father Maxwell and Sister Helen…  
  
Dead. Because of me. Because I loved them.  
  
It's like Frankenstein's curse--his creation killed everyone important to him.  
  
Now I love him…but I can't let him know. It's been so long.  
  
~And I miss you love~  
  
(Heero POV)  
  
I love him… I promised.  
  
/ "…I never want to see you die. Heero, promise me…that you'll never let me see you die." /  
  
He's manipulating me…but I love him for it.  
  
And he manipulates me. And I _hate_ him for it.  
  
And I love him! And I _hate_ him! And I love him!  
  
~And I miss use love~  
  
(Duo POV)  
  
He treats me so well.  
  
I wish I could do the same.  
  
It's so hard.  
  
It's been so long.  
  
And I'm learning to love again.  
  
He's so sweet to me.  
  
~I love the way you love~  
  
It's so hard.  
  
I'm learning, Heero.  
  
I'm trying so hard.  
  
All for you. I want so much to be able to love you.  
  
~But I hate the way~  
  
Someday, Heero. Someday.  
  
~I'm supposed to love you back~  
  
Everyone else can.  
  
~It's just a fad~  
  
Why can't I? I…am…slowly learning…how to love.  
  
Maybe we're too young for love.  
  
It causes so many problems.  
  
But we both promised.  
  
He's not going to let me see him die. Ever.  
  
I _know_ that he said he loves me, but that's the hardest promise he's ever had to make.  
  
But in return…  
  
I have to try to learn how to love again.  
  
~Part of the teenage angst brigade and~  
  
I think…I _know_...  
  
I swear to Shinigami on my soul…  
  
I love him.  
  
But not the kind of love he has for me.  
  
Not yet.  
  
I love him like my best friend…and he is that.  
  
But he's also my boyfriend.  
  
And I'm working my way back to loving him.  
  
It's so hard to love him just like this.  
  
I have always just loved people like this, or like family.  
  
I don't know how to love like a lover.  
  
~I'm not, not sure  
  
Not too sure how it feels~  
  
Heero's approaching.  
  
He looks into my eyes full of hope, then drops his gaze and walks away. He must not have found what he was looking for.  
  
I think I've found what I've been looking for.  
  
Someday, Heero.  
  
Not now, not for sure.  
  
Just someday.  
  
~To handle everyday  
  
Like the one that just past~  
  
(Heero POV)  
  
He says he can't love.  
  
But everyone can love. Even _I_ can love.  
  
You look at the earth and think about every single person down there, and think how sure you are that they can love. And wonder…  
  
Is he really so sure he can't?  
  
~In the crowds of all the people~  
  
I look into his eyes to see if I can find the love I feel shining through my eyes every time he's there.  
  
There _is_ something…but not that. Maybe he's right. Maybe he can't.  
  
But I'm so sure he could.  
  
It really doesn't hurt…unless he doesn't love you back.  
  
So am I the only one that hurts? Am I?  
  
Or maybe it hurts if someone loves you and you can't love him back.  
  
~Remember today  
  
I've no respect for you~  
  
It's been so long since I could love someone…but now it hurts more than it ever did when I couldn't love.  
  
Emotions hurts more than anything.  
  
I hate Duo Maxwell.  
  
I hate the emotions he managed to teach me.  
  
I hate knowing how to love.  
  
I hate the pain it all brings me.  
  
And yet I love it all. Especially him.  
  
~And I miss you love~  
  
We both made each other promise the one hardest thing.  
  
And we both promised based on my love.  
  
So I can't let him see me die.  
  
But he has to learn to love.  
  
He has to learn to love me…even though he insists he can't.  
  
We both manipulate each other.  
  
We manipulate each other based on my love.  
  
We _can_ manipulate each other because I told him I love him.  
  
~And I misuse love~  
  
(Duo POV)  
  
I'm working my way back.  
  
It's getting easier.  
  
It won't be long before I can love him the same way he loves me.  
  
It's been so long.  
  
I'll never forget.  
  
But I have to move one.  
  
I make promises…and I've kept this one.  
  
I'll see him soon.  
  
I'll throw myself at him, wrap my whole body around his, and I'll kiss him with all the feeling I've got.  
  
I'll pull back and look him in the eyes, and I'll let him find what he's been looking for.  
  
Then I'll tell him.  
  
I'll finally be able to say it.  
  
I already know what he feels, so it won't be too hard to just say it.  
  
"Heero…I love you. Je t'aime. Te amo. Tu es mi corazon. Ai shiteru. However you want me to say it, I will. I'll love you forever, or as long as you want me.  
  
Then I'll kiss him again, and whether he responds or not, I don't care. He's already told me.  
  
Would have always thought I'd be the first to say it, huh? Well, I wasn't. And _he_ started babbling when I didn't answer.  
  
I love you…itsumademo.  
  
~Remember two days  
  
I've no respect for you  
  
And I miss you love  
  
And I miss use love~  
  
(Heero POV) I'm going to find Duo and tell him he doesn't have to love me. I've seen him. He's been trying so hard to work with his emotions. Just like I was when they first started surfacing.  
  
"Heero!"  
  
A voice. It calls my name to get my attention.  
  
Don't let it be Relena. _Please_, just don't let it be Relena.  
  
"Heero?!"  
  
I look up, and start looking for the voice. It's Duo.  
  
I just hope I can get this out.  
  
Suddenly my arms are full of the braided maniac.  
  
Before anything else happens, time sees to freeze. As nothing else seems to happen, I look into his eyes…and I find what I've been searching for for so long.  
  
Then everything spins back into motion. I kiss him with all I've got. And he seems to do the same. When he pulls back, he tries to talk.  
  
"Heero…I love you. Je t'aime. Te amo. Tu es mi corazon. Ai shiteru. How--"  
  
I cut him off by kissing him again. I'm never going to have to tell him he doesn't have to love me.  
  
He loves me…and I don't need to be manipulated to keep my promise.  
  
~I love the way you love  
  
But I hate the way  
  
I'm supposed to love you back~ 


End file.
